A Simple Technique to Maintain Control When Others Lose Theirs
Every attorney eventually encounters difficult opposing counsel.
They may yell, interrupt, distort facts, refuse to acknowledge reality, or create unnecessary conflict. These interactions can be frustrating because lawyers are trained to advocate, respond, and fight for their clients. When someone behaves unreasonably, the natural instinct is often to push back.
But that reaction can be exactly what the other side wants.
You have probably heard the advice: “Stay calm.”
The problem is that advice alone is incomplete. Telling someone to stay calm without a practical method isn't very useful. Most people have a limited tolerance for dishonesty, aggression, and unreasonable behavior.
The real challenge is not simply staying calm. The challenge is having the tools to stay focused when someone tries to pull you into their chaos.
A simple approach can help:
Stick to the facts. Stick to your point. Let the rest go.
1. Stick to the Facts
When someone becomes emotional, aggressive, or starts making false statements, your greatest advantage is discipline.
Return to the facts.
Do not get distracted by insults, personal attacks, or exaggerated claims. Do not feel obligated to respond to every accusation or every inflammatory statement.
Instead, calmly identify what is relevant and bring the conversation back to the facts.
Facts are your foundation.
Someone who relies on emotion, volume, or intimidation often hopes you will respond in the same way. By staying focused on facts, you deny them that opportunity.
A calm statement of the facts is often more persuasive than an emotional argument.
2. Stick to Your Point
Difficult opposing counsel often attempt to redirect conversations. They may introduce unrelated issues, repeat accusations, or create distractions designed to move the discussion away from the real issue.
Do not follow every distraction.
Know what you need to accomplish and return to that point.
Simple statements can help:
“Let’s focus on the issue we are trying to resolve.”
“The relevant fact is this…”
“My position remains the same based on the facts.”
Your goal is not to win every argument. Your goal is to communicate clearly, preserve your position, and advance your client’s interests.
3. Let Their Words Roll Off Your Back
When someone repeatedly makes false statements or behaves unreasonably, the natural temptation is to fight back.
That is often a trap.
Remember: another person’s lack of control does not require you to lose yours.
If opposing counsel ignores the facts, return to the facts. If they repeat the same unsupported arguments, calmly restate your position.
You do not have to match their tone. You do not have to mirror their behavior.
Professionalism is not weakness. It is control.
4. Know When the Conversation Is No Longer Productive
At some point, continuing a conversation becomes pointless.
Trying to reason with someone who repeats the same unsupported arguments after the facts have been explained can feel like the Myth of Sisyphus: endlessly pushing a rock uphill only to watch it roll back down again.
At some point, the productive choice is to stop pushing.
A professional way to end the conversation is:
“I believe we have addressed the relevant issues. I will follow up in writing.”
Ending an unproductive conversation is not surrender. It is recognizing that nothing further will be accomplished by continuing.
5. Create a Written Record
After a difficult conversation, follow up in writing.
A confirming email or letter should calmly document:
- What was discussed
- The facts you presented
- Your position
- Any agreements or disagreements
The purpose is not to vent or criticize. The purpose is to create a clear record.
A thoughtful written follow-up often carries more weight than a heated conversation because it demonstrates preparation, professionalism, and control.
The Strategic Advantage of Staying Calm
People who rely on anger, intimidation, or chaos often want you to react emotionally.
They want you frustrated.
They want you distracted.
They want you to abandon your discipline and behave as they do.
Do not give them that advantage.
When you stay calm, focus on the facts, maintain your point, and end conversations when necessary, you take away their power.
They may keep acting irrationally, but you don't have to participate.
The person who remains calm usually maintains the greatest control.
Do not hesitate to contact our office if you want backup and a partner to deal with opposing counsel's lunacy in litigation or at trial. 415-341-1144.