How to Stay Calm, Stay Focused, and Keep Control When Others Lose Theirs
Every lawyer has encountered them: the opposing counsel who yells, distorts facts, refuses to listen, creates unnecessary conflict, or turns every conversation into a battle.
The usual advice is simple: “Stay calm.”
But that advice is incomplete.
Telling someone to remain calm without giving them practical tools is not enough. Most people have a natural reaction when faced with someone who is aggressive, unreasonable, or dishonest. Lawyers are no exception.
The real skill is not just staying calm. The real skill is knowing what to do when someone is trying to pull you into their chaos.
A simple technique can help you stay professional, protect your position, and maintain control:
Stick to the facts. Stick to your point. Let the rest go.
Stick to the Facts
When someone becomes emotional, argumentative, or starts making unsupported claims, your greatest advantage is discipline.
Return to the facts.
Do not get distracted by insults, exaggerated accusations, or attempts to shift the conversation away from the real issues. Do not waste energy responding to every false statement or emotional outburst.
Instead, calmly identify the relevant facts and bring the discussion back to them.
Facts are your anchor.
A person who relies on emotion often wants you to respond emotionally. Staying focused on facts prevents that from happening.
Stick to Your Point
Difficult people often try to redirect conversations. They may introduce unrelated issues, repeat accusations, or create distractions that pull you away from the issue that actually matters.
Do not follow every distraction.
Know the point you need to make and return to it.
Simple phrases can help:
“Let’s focus on the issue we are trying to resolve.”
“The relevant fact is this…”
“My position remains the same based on the facts.”
Your goal is not to win every argument. Your goal is to communicate clearly and preserve your position.
Let Their Words Roll Off Your Back
When someone repeatedly makes false statements or behaves unreasonably, the temptation is to fight back.
That is often exactly what they want.
Remember: someone else’s lack of control does not require you to lose yours.
If opposing counsel ignores the facts, return to the facts. If they repeat the same unsupported arguments, calmly repeat your position.
Do not allow someone else’s behavior to dictate your own.
Your professionalism is your advantage.
Know When to End the Conversation
There comes a point when continuing a conversation stops being productive.
Trying to reason with someone who repeatedly ignores facts after those facts have been explained can feel like the Myth of Sisyphus: pushing the same rock uphill only to watch it fall back down again.
Eventually, the productive choice is to stop pushing.
You can end the conversation professionally:
“I believe we have addressed the relevant issues. I will follow up in writing.”
Ending the discussion does not mean you lost. It means you recognized that continuing would not accomplish anything.
Follow Up in Writing - Create the Record!
After a difficult conversation, memorialize it.
Send a professional email or letter confirming what was discussed. Document:
- The issues addressed
- The facts you presented
- Your position
- Any agreements or disagreements
A calm written record is often more powerful than a heated verbal exchange.
The purpose of the follow-up is not to vent. It is to create a clear record.
Calm Takes Away Their Power
People who rely on anger, intimidation, or chaos often want you to react the same way.
They want you frustrated. They want you emotional. They want you to abandon your discipline.
Do not give them that advantage.
When you stay calm, focus on the facts, return to your point, and end conversations when necessary, you take away their power.
They may continue to act irrationally, but you do not have to join them.
The calm person in the room usually has the greatest control.
